Get the Torches and Pitchforks

I'm a monster, I know. I only update this every few months, even though I consistently promise to update several times a month. I'm sorry, I'm a liar. I'm a bad person. It's true. The sad truth is, I've just been too busy to think about the blog. What with AP classes, college applications, scholarships, and enjoying the little free time I have, the blog isn't really something I think a lot about... So yes, grab your torches and pitchforks, folks: I am a monster. Do what you will. In my defense, however, because of my schedule, I haven't actually reviewed a movie since the previous post. I have done several articles since then, but none of them have been movie reviews. That sounds very bad for a movie critic, but the truth it is. If it makes up for my bad behavior, I'm going to change the blog from here on out to be any kind of reviews, from movies to video games to TV to music albums. I'll review everything under the sun, and to make up for my absence, I'm posting two reviews I've written in my absence: a video game and a concert. Enjoy, mis amigos.

Love and Other Drugs Review

Before I start this review, let’s get one thing straight, right off the bat: I am a guy.

I eat red meat, I play violent video games, and I have an abundance of testosterone coursing through my body. When it comes to movies, it isn’t hard to figure out that I mainly watch crazy, over-the-top action movies and buddy comedies. Needless to say, I don’t have much experience in the field of romances.

Now, that isn’t to say that I know nothing of them. Of course I’ve dabbled into the occasional romantic comedy (Just Friends, anyone?), and as a movie critic, it is my duty to watch any movie presented to me so that I can inform others of its strengths and missteps.

Love and Other Drugs is no exception. The latest movie that every woman is going to drag her reluctant man to see, Love and Other Drugs is about Jake Gyllenhaal’s Jamie, a cocky travelling salesman for the pharmaceutical company Pfizer, who falls in love with Anne Hathaway’s Maggie, a Parkinson’s disease-stricken woman with a sharp tongue.

“That just sounds like a typical rom-com,” you may be thinking to yourself. “What separates Love and Other Drugs from other movies in its genre?” For starters, this movie is not for kids: There is A LOT of nudity and adult content here. Clearly, the two leads have no qualms about showing their bodies. Depending on the viewer, this can be taken as a good or a bad thing, but it often feels forced and unnecessary. There are many times throughout when it seems as though the director was thinking, “This scene looks good, but it’s missing something… Oh! Of course: Nudity.”

Second, Other Drugs is just plain depressing. The dark undertone of Maggie’s Parkinson’s disease is always below the surface of the movie, acting as a buzz kill for any happiness that may try to poke its head through.

Third, the movie lacks comedy, a somewhat important aspect of a movie that calls itself a romantic comedy. There are several scenes where chuckles are induced, but there is not a human alive who will walk out of that theater saying the words, “I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe.” It can be done; a romantic comedy that is actually funny is not out of the question, so why directors refuse to make them funny is a question I wish we had an answer to.

Love and Other Drugs is one of those movies that should not be viewed by single women. It is a sappy, fairytale love story that every woman has fantasized about at some point in her life, and the overwhelming theme of loneliness is essentially depression, bludgeoning single women over the head.

I wish I could ease the minds of all the men out there who’s significant others are going to guilt trip them into seeing this testosterone-vacuum of a movie, but for the sake of my fellow men everywhere, I must be honest: You are going to be very, very bored. Most men would rather go to the dentist and get a tooth pulled than watch Hathaway go all doe-eyed on Gyllenhaal.

The FDA (Food and Drug Administration) is the government organization that tests food and drugs to make sure they are safe for the public. Love and Other Drugs should come with a warning label on the back of the ticket stubs that reads:

“WARNING: Keep out of reach of children. Do not take if single, recently singled, or a male. Side effects (predominantly among males) may include nausea, vomiting, decreases in testosterone levels, and suicidal thoughts.”

Resident Evil: Afterlife Review

Nothing gets a teenage boy more excited to go to the movie theater than an hour and a half of guns, girls, and ghouls.

Fortunately for us all, Resident Evil: Afterlife is filled to the brim with all three of these. Afterlife is the fourth installment in the Resident Evil movie series, which is based on the famous series of video games of the same name.

After the evil Umbrella Corporation unleashed a deadly virus, most of the people on Earth have been turned into shambling, mindless, flesh-eating zombies. A woman named Alice, who worked for Umbrella, was at the “ground zero” of the outbreak, and has been dealing with the zombie outbreak for years. As one of the few remaining survivors, she must now find a safe haven from the impending danger that is constantly lurking around every corner.

Unfortunately, that’s about the extent of the movie’s plot. The zombie movie genre has never been praised for outstanding character development or an Oscar-worthy screenplay, but a little bit of effort would be a welcome gift to fans of the genre.

Resident Evil: Afterlife was made for one reason and one reason only: fan service. There is nothing here for those who aren’t fans of zombie movies, zombie games, or zombie movies based on zombie games. I personally am a dedicated fan of zombie lore, having played my fair share of zombie games and seen more than a few zombie movies. A long time fan of the Resident Evil franchise, I can say that, against my better judgment, I thoroughly enjoyed Afterlife.

The Resident Evil movies are awful. The production value is terrible, the acting is disgustingly cheesy, the one-liners are groan-inducing, and the effects are B-grade at best. And this is precisely what makes them so fun to watch. Afterlife physically cannot be taken seriously; to be fully enjoyed, it must be laughed at from time to time.

All this bashing is not taking into account the one thing that the movie truly does well: the action. While the plot is vaguely reminiscent of a third grader writing a short story, the action does not disappoint. Zombies get their heads blown off. People get eaten by zombies. Zombie-dog hybrids attack people. It’s gory, it’s ridiculous, and above all, it’s fun.

Afterlife differs from the first three Resident Evil films in terms of presentation. The first three (Resident Evil, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and Resident Evil: Extinction, respectively) had horrible special effects, but with a much bigger budget and new post-Avatar 3D technology, Afterlife looks significantly better than its predecessors.

Unlike the majority of the movies that have been converted into 3D this year, Resident Evil: Afterlife was actually shot using the same 3D camera system employed by James Cameron on Avatar, and the difference shows. This is one of the few movies released since Avatar where the 3D actually enhances the experience, instead of being a gimmick.

Milla Jovovich returns as Alice, playing the “tough girl” role just as convincingly as she did in the first three films. She meets up with her old friend Claire Redfield, played by actress Ali Larter, whose memory has been wiped by Umbrella. They come across her brother, Chris Redfield, who is played by Prison Break’s Wentworth Miller. Any fan of the video games will instantly see the physical similarities between Miller and Redfield, and despite the fact that Miller overacts on more than one occasion, he is undeniably a good fit for the role.

After earning the title of the number five highest grossing zombie movie of all time, director Paul W. S. Anderson hastily announced that a sequel is on the way, and that he will create the movie with the help of the series’ fans via his Twitter page.

George Romero may have done it better in the past and it’s not going to resonate with viewers that aren’t fans of the source material, but for the fans that the movie does target, Resident Evil: Afterlife is truly a guilty pleasure.

The Expendables Review

A young, innocent-looking couple sitting under the moonlight, about to kiss for the first time… If you were interested by that statement, you’re reading the wrong review.

Bullets piercing people like darts, knives to the jugular, and explosions turning people into clouds of red mist are but a few of the overly grotesque shows of violence that provide the backbone of The Expendables. Taking cues from every B-grade, 1980s action movie ever made, Sylvester Stallone wrote, directed, produced, and starred in what is the one of the biggest, loudest action films since Die Hard itself.

Leading a group of highly trained mercenaries into a Latin American stronghold to overthrow a corrupt dictator is just another Tuesday for everyone’s favorite gravel-voiced action hero, Sylvester Stallone (Rocky). Joining him on this outing is possibly the biggest collaboration of A-list action stars every assembled on one screen: Jason Statham (The Transporter), Dolph Lundgren (Rocky IV), Jet Li (Hero), Terry Crews (The Longest Yard), and many others.

Not for the faint of heart, The Expendables earns its R-rating through its stylized violence. Not even five minutes into the movie, a man is blown in half, with the death (and many, many more to follow) shown in unapologetic detail.

It’s no surprise that there isn’t much originality to be seen in The Expendables. You have a better chance of spotting Bigfoot on a Chicago subway than finding originality in a typical action movie. Car chases? Check. Explosions? Check. Secret inner struggle dealt with by the main character? Check. Dramatic stand-off with the main bad guy? Check. You’ve seen The Expendables before and there’s no reason not to see it again.

The Expendables can essentially be seen as Sly’s “passing of the action hero torch” to future generations. His second in command in the movie, Jason Statham, is allowed to shine even more than Stallone himself does, complete with cheesy one-liners and effortlessly executed fight scenes. Statham has already asserted himself as an action star, having starred in many a popcorn flick throughout his career, but thanks to Stallone’s official blessing, his career is about to elevate to heights it has never reached before.

There isn’t much here for non-action movie fans, especially those who aren’t familiar with 80s action movies. The entire movie is reminiscent of its predecessors, and if you don’t know the difference between John McClane and Martin Riggs, The Expendables is not a movie for you.

At every movie’s heart is a message that many people receive, consciously or subconsciously, that is much deeper than the movie itself. This can range from the dangers of money to the power of love, and The Expendables is no different. Below the surface lies a message that every person in America would do well to embrace: don’t mess with a 50-something year old action hero. It’s not going to end well.

Beating out female empowerment flick Eat, Pray, Love and graphic novel adaptation Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, The Expendables raked in over $30 million on opening weekend, a feat to be expected considering its all-star lineup.

Action fans nationwide have thoroughly enjoyed The Expendables as well, with Brett Erlich of The Rotten Tomatoes Show saying, “The film knows what it is, and it delivers. It’s a spectacle, and I really liked The Expendables.”

If guns blazing and explosions rocking everything on screen sounds appealing, The Expendables will not disappoint. With such powerful 80s nostalgia, you’ll leave the theater saying, “Yippee ki yay, mother-”

Not Looking Forward to This One

Oh, how bad I've been. Yes, I lied to you all. ...Again. I haven't posted in months. I'm sorry, guys. I am. Can I make up for it by posting every review I've written since my last post? I think it will.

Mentiroso, Mentiroso, Pantalones en Fuego

You like that Spanish? Me too. Half the time I feel like I like the language more than I like English, even though I am far from fluent and the accent I speak it in is laughably Caucasian. For those who may be reading this that don't speak Spanish/know how to use Google Translator, the title of this post translates (roughly) to "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire." This is in reference to my previous blog post. Y'know, the one where I promised you a new review a few weeks ago, which never came...? Sorry about that, guys. I got busy and completely forgot to write the review I had planned, for the Robert Rodriguez-directed sci-fi/action flick Predators. To make up for it, here's a little one sentence review: If you like loud, mindless action movies where you don't have to think much and just want to see something go "boom," you should thoroughly enjoy Predators; if not, stay away. While you may no longer trust my word, I PROMISE you that starting late this month/early next month, I will be posting at least 1, most likely 2 reviews a month. The only way I guess I can convince you that I'm telling the truth is by saying that if I don't, I'll lose my position as Head Editor of my school paper. I think it goes without saying that we don't want that to happen, so if I haven't broken your hearts too severely, bear with me and I promise from now until May I will keep you informed about new movies, just as I promised in my first post. So, you're not mad at me, are you...? I say we kiss and make up.

Oh, The Good Old Times

As you can probably see, I just posted every review I've ever written, so you can get a taste of what my reviews are like. Yes, I realize that the last movies I reviewed were released in April and it is now July. Fret not, impatient reader, for I am working on a review of a newly released movie that I expect to be up within the next day or so. To save you the time and trouble of having to scroll down through multiple pages of my reviews to get to a specific post, you can look to the little Archive Box on the right side of the screen to skip to individual ones.