The Worst Movies of 2009

There is nothing more disappointing than spending the time and money to see a movie in the theater and being horribly let down.

The following is a personal list of the 10 worst movies to come out of 2009. These movies aren’t necessarily box office flops, just poorly made films that never should have made it to the big screen.

The number ten worst movie to come out of 2009 is Land of the Lost. An adventure comedy starring Will Ferrell (Anchorman) as an eccentric paleontologist who discovers another dimension, Land of the Lost simply does not contain enough humor to warrant a viewing. This is a shame, considering its lead actor’s comedic brilliance. Co-starring the similarly hilarious Danny McBride (Pineapple Express) did not help this movie’s appeal. What was an attempt at a family-friendly adventure comedy ended as a sad excuse for a summer blockbuster.

Number nine on the list is The Taking of Pelham 123. This remake of the 1974 classic of the same name did little to measure up to the prestige of the original. Starring Denzel Washington (Training Day) and John Travolta (Grease), the plot centers around Washington’s character, a New York City subway dispatcher, who tries to convince a mastermind hijacker (Travolta) to end his madness. While acted well, its cliché dialogue, frantic direction, and jumpy pacing turned what could have been an intriguing psychological action thriller into another forgettable Hollywood remake.

Coming in at number eight is the comedy that can barely even be called a comedy, Couples Retreat. Boasting a tremendous cast including Vince Vaughn, Jason Bateman, and Jon Favreau, this disappointment of a film is about four couples who travel to a Hawaiian retreat to partake in couples skill-building exercises. Filled to the brim with depression-inducing marital problems such as divorce and adultery, the only part of the movie that doesn’t have the potential to force someone to take the leap is the scenery of the Hawaiian retreat, and even its effect is lessened by the conflicting talents (or lack thereof) of its onscreen cast.

Lucky to have even made the number seven spot is Jennifer’s Body, the latest entry into the strange “teen horror comedy” genre. Megan Fox stars as a possessed cheerleader who begins to eat boys to satiate the demon living within her, much to the dismay of her small town. There really is no way to try and make an effective appeal to this movie’s credibility; it is as ridiculous as it sounds. Acted horribly, as perverse as the age group for which it is targeted, and containing even less humor than it does plot, Jennifer’s Body is but another entry into Megan Fox’s career of non-acting.

Claiming the title of the sixth worst movie of 2009 is the action flick Taken. Liam Neeson stars as an ex-secret agent whose daughter is kidnapped overseas, and he takes it upon himself to get her back. Taken has several fairly decent action sequences, but other than that, the movie really has nothing else for audiences. The plot’s depth is reminiscent to that of a Saturday morning cartoon episode: Neeson’s daughter is taken, Neeson goes to get her back. The origin of the movie’s simplicity could be explained, with proper evidence given: the plot is simple enough to allow for the action to thrive, which may have been the focus of the movie, but more plot development would have been appreciated. Taken easily earns the award for “Best ADD Movie of 2009.”

District 9, the disastrous train wreck of a motion picture, slips into the number five spot. When aliens land in South Africa, the government forces them to live in a refugee camp known as “District 9,” and a government agent played by Sharlto Copley is sent to relocate them. Before being cast in this role, Copley had never acted, and his inexperience is almost painfully obvious to the viewing audience. Combine that with the fact that it was director Neill Blomkampf’s first major movie direction, and the movie reeks of inexperience. It is blatantly obvious that more time was put into the visuals of the movie than the writing or acting, because visually, the movie is a treat. Looking deeper, the movie is trash dressed up in a pretty bow, which does not change the fact that it is still a piece of garbage.

Moving down the list to number four yields yet another teen comedy, this time in the form of Fired Up!. Typical teen comedy: two football players ditch football camp to go to cheerleading camp to pick up girls, and outrageous hi-jinks ensue. Watching the trailer to this movie is sufficient; an actual viewing of this movie is an almost laughable concept. Despite the fact that Fired Up! is just a small teen comedy, any movie as pathetically acted and unbelievably predictable as this should not have made it to the big screen.

The third worst movie to stumble out of 2009 is the dark comedy Adventureland. Slowly wading through an already depressing life, James Brennan, played by Jessie Eisenberg (Zombieland), finds out that in order to finance a summer trip, he has to take a job at a local amusement park. Yet another genre-misnomer, this flick is by no means a comedy, though the “dark” part is certainly correct. Boasting an incredibly underused cast, the movie’s potential pokes its head through at a few points throughout the unnecessarily long runtime, but is quickly covered up by the almost depressing performances given by its stars. With a script devoid of humor but full of sex and drugs, Adventureland is essentially a guide telling teens how not to go through life.

The number two spot on the list goes to Year One. Taking place in (you guessed it) the year 1, two hunter-gatherers are banished from their village and embark on a quest. That may sound like a poorly described plot, but there is nothing else to say about it; that is the plot. This “quest” that hunter-gatherers Jack Black (School of Rock) and Michael Cera (Superbad) embark on is completely devoid of purpose or goal. They go because the script writers tell them to, and that is the only logic behind the movie’s already shallow plot. A few celebrity cameos provide the movie with a much needed saving grace from the abundance of fourth grade humor that riddles the movie, but this does not save Year One from being dubbed the most immature movie of 2009.

Finally, the number one worst movie to come out of 2009 is the third and (fortunately) final teen comedy, I Love You, Beth Cooper. When a nerdy valedictorian declares his love for cheerleader beauty queen Beth Cooper, played by Hayden Panettiere (TV’s Heroes), a night of epic proportions unravels, full of angry raccoons, murderous army men, and… towel fights. This movie’s lack of humor is not only disappointing, it is downright infuriating. The actors try far too hard to be comical, and in the end, they embarrass not only themselves, but the director as well. It is an undeniable trend among this list that all three teen comedies have something to do with cheerleaders, so for any future directors out there, take this advice: do not make your movie about cheerleaders.

If 2009 was any sort of sign as to what 2010 is going to be like in the movie department, our only option is to hide in a Hollywood-resistant bomb shelter. Hopefully, the directors and actors of the great city will learn from their mistakes this past year and attempt to make amends for it.